| it's freeeeeeeezing. |
[02 Dec 2008|05:01pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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i am watching an infomercial for a blanket with sleeves. it's fleece. it's called the "snuggie". i'm pretty sure i just found the perfect gift for every member of the bellevue family.
anyways, life is good. it's the kind of good that makes you want to write about it. i am so ridiculously happy with rocco i can't begin to describe it. he is so good to me. he makes me laugh, he loves me even when i'm blacked out and violent or throwing up on myself and he even kissed me even though i hadn't brushed my teeth. he makes everything better: work days, waking up in the morning, cooking dinner at night, everything i hated alone i enjoy because i have him to enjoy it with.
i love living with derfa more than i can put into words. i never gave her enough credit before but she's a really great friend. we manage to keep the house spotless yet still have parties and we never get on eachothers nerves. we can usually be found eating boxes of cereal in eachother's beds and watching tv before work. she even changed my tires for me while i laid in bed!
matt lives with us too. it's nice to have someone to come home to that asks how my day was and always has a bottle of orange soda ready for me. we watch bad tv and get high and count down the hours together until rocco gets home. we usually talk about how much we miss him too.
then all four of us play cards or rent movies and just laugh. it's nice. it's really nice.
you would think with everything that's happened to me lately that i'd be broken down and upset. but i just can't be. i love my life. no amount of stupid people i don't care about are going to change that.
bingo? yes please.
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| ugh. |
[13 Aug 2008|12:53pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
i'm completely miserable. sick. everything sucks. i really can't stand anyone that's around me ever and i don't know what to do anymore. i think i'm calling out of work tomorrow because my throat kills and i have a fever. i miss people like tricia. i wish i still had friends that i could hang out with sober and have fun. i hate boys. i hate everything more or less. again, miserable.
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[20 Jul 2008|08:18pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
things are good. i love my new house. i love that kendra and i just have parties on any given day and none of the surrounding crackheads ever complain. i like rocco a lot. it sucks that mike hates me but i'm trying to stay positive and do what's good for me. i've been doing a pretty good job. lost a best friend this week. that really sucks. watching the game with matt, pat, rj, and kennnny poooo. night.
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| i need to go for a walk. |
[14 May 2008|12:04am] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
] |
i am so confused right now. fuck, i've been confused for days now. between what happened to frado and my failing relationship i don't even know what to think. the wake was so much harder than i ever could have imagined. i just left a party that i should have been at because all i wanted to do was tell everyone exactly how i feel about them and how much i love them and how important they are to me but i didn't want to make people uncomfortable. all i want to do is walk for at least an hour with each person whose friendship i value and talk to them about anything and everything. like i did when i was fifteen and taking joncon's narcolepsy medication. i just want to write and write in hopes that it will kill my desire to feel reassured by someone else. lately i just feel like everyone is more important to me than i am to them. what an awful feeling that is. seeing how many people were at the wake today, i couldn't help but smile, because i think frado felt like that a lot of the time and if he knew how many people came out to see him one last time i think he'd smile too. i heard that was the most people to come to a wake in the history of that funeral home. there is so much trivial bullshit in our lives and days like this make me feel like a real fucking asshole for ever letting any of that hinder my relationships with people that i know that i care about. i hope everybody knows that i love them. if i ever have, i always will.
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| live your love. love your life. |
[31 Jan 2008|02:16pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
] |
being single is weird. and liberating. derfa was right when she said i rely too heavily on boys. hell, ive had a boyfriend since i was 15. im glad im going to learn to make myself happy. without needing some guy to tell me i look good when im done getting ready or other stupid things like that. i want to stand on my own two feet, comfortably and happily. wish me luck.
ps- derfa and i are getting an apartment with a gold stripper pole. any girl that comes over must dance on it for a minimum of thirty seconds or matt, our bouncer, will throw you out. heads up.
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| everyone's caught onto everything you do. |
[17 Jan 2008|10:27pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
i never write in this thing anymore. maybe for a lack of caring. maybe for a lack of having anything interesting to say. i'm probably getting a new job. that is both so exciting and abolutely horrifying. i'm watching celebrity rehab. you know what all i can think of is? how much i've come to resent alcohol. and drinking in general. i hate what it does to my friends. i hate that i hate my friends when they're drunk. friends are your friends because you enjoy their company. i can't say that i truly enjoy any of my friends when they're drunk. especially if i'm not. i don't feel like alcohol changes me so much as a person, but the fact that me drinking enables other people to do it that obviously shouldn't be, makes me feel like shit for doing it in the first place. it's not the same as when we were younger. we don't drink to feel a buzz and laugh and walk around to enjoy the weather and eachother's company. we drink to black out and try to forget about our real lives. nothing is care free anymore. i can't remember the last time i had a good night involving alcohol and my friends. there's always something and someone. always a problem and an outburst. spiraling out of control. i'll be staying in for awhile. i need to miss some people, i think, and maybe they need to miss me too. because i'm a people person. i love people. but lately i don't love anyone. i've been pushed to my limits and i've been taken advantage of. i know i say it a lot, but i wish i was sixteen again. the list of reasons why just keeps getting longer and longer.
"i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad to be wherever they are,
with whoever they're there with."
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| get low. |
[11 Dec 2007|12:00am] |
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mood |
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tired |
] |
fuck the freeworld. tattoo your face. who gives a flying fuck about your wedding day. spending money like it's going out of style.
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| FORGET EVERYTHING YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT ME. THIS ISN'T HIGH SCHOOL. |
[18 Oct 2007|06:47pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
attention: if you're someone in my life that claims to be my friend, lives in the boston area, has parties that i'm never invited to because of high school related drama, and never makes any attempt to talk to me/hang out with me/be a good friend to me - we are no longer friends. not like we have been for awhile anyways. don't bother trying to buddy up to me when you're in town because i'm over it. if i'm not welcome at your house, you're not welcome at mine either. nice knowing you.
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[19 Aug 2007|08:58pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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i'm a sucker. i have a soft spot in my heart for every person i've ever loved in my entire life regardless of the reason they're no longer in it.
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| CALL ME. ESPECIALLY IF WE NEVER HANG OUT. |
[03 Aug 2007|06:56pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
injured and out of work until next friday. 9789944308. call me to make plans. let's get wasted and go to the beach and swim all day every day. kbye.
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| i need a beer. |
[30 Jul 2007|11:02pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
] |
so far today:
- frankie kicked my cell phone in the tub full of water.
- it broke completely.
- i gashed open my hand at work on a pair of just sharpened shears and had to go to the hospital.
- they couldn't give me stitches because it was right on my knuckle so they squeezed my skin together, sterry stripped it, bandaged me up, and gave me a splint so i can't bend my finger and split it back open.
- they gave me no pain killers.
- i am dying.
- i had to spend $219.99 on a new phone.
- i don't even like it as much as my old phone.
- my boyfriend is watching some stupid movie instead of watching the movie i wanted to and cuddling in bed like he said we would. and he's not giving me the time of day even though my hand is throbbing.
wah wah my life is so hard.
i suck. goodnight.
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[17 Jul 2007|11:40am] |
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mood |
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happy |
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today is a rebirth of sorts. i woke up feeling new. i'm happy. i like who i am. who i've become. i used to be such a fucking cunt. i'm "on bad terms" with so many people i don't even know or have significant reasons to dislike and it's ridiculous. from this point on i will have no "enemies". i want to be friends with everybody. i have no problems with anyone regardless of our past. it seems so stupid to me now. beers?
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| keep your head up. |
[04 Jul 2007|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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last night was fun. i wish we could party like that every night. if not more. it's the 4th of july today and nobody i know is partying unless they're in boston and i don't feel like traveling that far. mike is asleep on the couch and i'm bored. i hope jerry calls soon and tells me there's something to do in haverhill. not likely. there's beers in the fridge so we'll see what happens. lately everything has been crazy but that's the way i like it. i've got the day off tomorrow. life rules.
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| i won't cross this street until you hold my hand. |
[27 Jun 2007|12:02am] |
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mood |
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sad |
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i'm trying so hard to keep my head up. i have common sense. i know exactly what is happening. i'm just having a hard time trying to decide whether i think i did anything to deserve this or not. being honest with myself. i recognize the things i do wrong. the way i ended things with him was wrong. the way i walked all over his feelings was wrong. but i can't apologize any more than i already have. he can't accept it one time then continue to hold it against me another. i don't even think that's his problem anymore. too much has happened since then. outside influences. those i'm still not sure what i did wrong with. i've spent the past year trying to change the things they complained about. not that it would help. but maybe they were right even just a little bit. i want him to have friends. i want him to be social. i want him to want them back but he just fucking won't. i want to fix everything and everyone but i can't. i want to fall asleep and wake up a year and a half ago in time to go to a show and a house party and have no job and not fucking care. i have no friends. not real ones anyways. just the kind that drink my beer, smoke my pot, and ask me for a ride somewhere i'm not invited to and shit talk me once they get there. it's pretty awful. i'm lonely but i shut out the one person that actually cares about me unconditionally. i feel like i'm the best person that i've been so far in my life right now but nobody seems to care. i mean i wake up so happy and i skip around my apartment and i go to work smiling and i'm happy to talk to all of the people that walk in the door. i like everyone i meet. i am so happy go lucky and i appreciate the smallest silliest little things like the weather and the way my dog looks when she's fast asleep on her favorite part of the couch. i do my best to mind my business and even when i'm put in a position where i have to be in the same place with someone i don't get along with, or rather someone that hates my guts and makes it well known, i don't even have a hard time co-existing without a problem. i could never do that before. i used to hate everyone and everything and i could hold a grudge with the best of them. i just don't feel like that's necessary anymore. if you want to be nice to me, i will be nice to you. i don't care what you say when i leave because i don't have to hear it and it doesn't have to affect me anymore. i'm trying so hard not to let any of this get me down but it's really wearing on me. the truth is if i thought it would help i would walk up to him and apologize for whatever it is that he thinks i did to him and i would mean it and i would give him a hug and i wouldn't think twice about it, post-puking on my car and all.
i think it's time to pack up and move cross country. where there's no stigma surrounding my name and no one hates me because their friend does. that's what i need. too bad i'll never grow the balls.
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| get into it. |
[20 Jun 2007|11:33am] |
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mood |
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bored |
] |
life is funny. i say this because i can look at this picture and laugh hysterically now. this was probably the worst moment of my life documented on film. lose one, get another. ha. seriously though. what a funny picture this is. i have three days off in a row and i don't even know what to do with myself. hopefully me and chelsea will party down tonight. i'm in PM for sure. i got pretty much the best cut & color of my life yesterday. alright. get at me. let's get drunk and cause a ruckus.
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| party. |
[15 Jun 2007|09:26am] |
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mood |
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happy |
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"as much as you want to, you can't rely on someone else to make you feel alive."
life pretty much rules lately. new people, new things. old friends. summerrrrrr. my own place to come and go as i please and party when i want to and a job where i make enough money to do whatever i want whenever i want.
i got this sunday off so saturday night it's on.
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| truth. |
[09 Apr 2007|08:46pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
] |
having one really great friend is so much better than a bunch of shitty ones.
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| i'm a big baby. sue me. |
[12 Mar 2007|09:53pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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i'm sick. sicker than sick. eighth day now. my life is too busy. i miss being little when being sick meant the world stopped for you and you got to stay home in bed until you felt better and everyone understood. now all i hear is "it's just a bug. you'll live, sweetie. you're going to be late for work/school." or "you know you've already missed an awful lot of time. don't you think you're sick a lot? there's always something with you." followed by a lot of dirty looks all day and an uncomfortable atmosphere ON TOP of feeling like i'm going to fucking die.
i. want. to. be. nine.
i want to kick and scream and get served soup in bed on my special platter with my favorite orange medicine in my alligator spoon designed especially for medicine. i want my note hand written from my mother, addressed to "To Whom It May Concern...", saying that i'm ill to be as sacred as the actions of fucking Mother Theresa again. i want my boo boo bunny. i want my mom checking my temperature for me. i want somebody to care that i feel like crap beyond a totally fucking empty notion of sympathy.
fuck you.
wah wah wah.
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